Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
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Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”