Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
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[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
sigh
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
car not found
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌