Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

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My GPS is basically just one more man in my life who I turn on and then ignore.


All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?


Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.


Biden: Oh boy, his car is here, quick let’s all hide
Obama: Joe pls


A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.


I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.

She really caught my Fancy.


*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.


You say “potato”, I say “This isn’t working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me.”


Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now