Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
You Might Also Like
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
relationship goals
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”