@Book_Krazy

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

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@tigersgoroooar

My GPS is basically just one more man in my life who I turn on and then ignore.

@TheTweetOfGod

All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?

@SarcasticAlly12

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

@hansmollman

Biden: Oh boy, his car is here, quick let’s all hide
Obama: Joe pls

@Cpin42

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

@LeonInNewJersey

I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.

She really caught my Fancy.

@Sophie2078

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

@mewritesgood

You say “potato”, I say “This isn’t working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me.”

@armyVet1972

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now