Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

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I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST


WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*


*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…


Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.


When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.


Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.


Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.


her: i like a guy who takes his time

me (seductively): i wore diapers until 5th grade


I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.


Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me