Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
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He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?