Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I hope they boil the right one.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Go hard or stay average
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.