Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
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DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Why is this me 😫
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?