Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
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The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Customize Your Wedding.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’