Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
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You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.