Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.