probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
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Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.