Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
mechanics be like
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.