Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.