Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
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Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.