Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

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[first day as a dirty cop]

Partner: did you plant the drugs?

Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.


I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.


All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.


A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”


I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.


Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.


[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos


If a genie granted me 3 wishes I’d ask for unlimited wishes, then I’d probably take a nap