[first day as a dirty cop]
Partner: did you plant the drugs?
Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
If a genie granted me 3 wishes I’d ask for unlimited wishes, then I’d probably take a nap