Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?