@OverlandParker

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

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@Tmoney68

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

@sammyrhodes

Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.

@jessokfine

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

@bmarked21

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

@AndLookPretty

My child just added a sneaker to her Christmas list that cost $975. Someone please pray for her homeless soul.

@AimeeHelene1

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

@slimmy_shady

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

@MomOnFire

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!