[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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*jingles half the way*
Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My child just added a sneaker to her Christmas list that cost $975. Someone please pray for her homeless soul.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!