frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
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This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
omg leave her alone
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine