@sammyrhodes

Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

@broken_rhi

I don’t trust super skinny women who bake all the time. Where are all those calories going Susan? Hmm???

@capricecrane

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

@AndrewNadeau0

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

@VerbsRProudest

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

@crunchenhancer

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

@MEQ_777

I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?

@Integrity_Guy

Real men don’t hit you up late at night demanding photos of your naked body. Real men hit their desks with closed fists demanding photos of Spiderman.

@brendanmcginley

Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.

@dlockw21

Cashier: Going snorkeling huh?

Me: Yeah. Should be fun.

Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes.

Me: Hi, I’d like to return these.