Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.

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*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.


I don’t trust super skinny women who bake all the time. Where are all those calories going Susan? Hmm???


What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”


WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.


*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!


She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….


I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?


Real men don’t hit you up late at night demanding photos of your naked body. Real men hit their desks with closed fists demanding photos of Spiderman.


Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.


Cashier: Going snorkeling huh?

Me: Yeah. Should be fun.

Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes.

Me: Hi, I’d like to return these.