[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
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I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.