Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

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*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!


INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?




MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself


Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference


People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.


BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle


“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.


The developers of Apple Maps first big mistake was not calling it Mapples.


There is a bug in my mail box. That’s his house now. He is the captain. I wonder where I will get my mail.


What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings