@FrancescaDykes

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

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@pro_worrier_

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

@Coolisiana

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

@CakeThrottle

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

@ddsmidt

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@TheToddWilliams

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

@Carbosly

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

@shariv67

The developers of Apple Maps first big mistake was not calling it Mapples.

@rgay

There is a bug in my mail box. That’s his house now. He is the captain. I wonder where I will get my mail.

@rogueMUGA

What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings