Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.
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A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My phone can hold 5000 songs or 1 voicemail from my mom
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
You think we should see other people? I’m bipolar. I am other people.
This chick has zero faith in me as a human person
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Her: *shyly* If I told you I loved you would you say it back?
Me: Of course
Her: Then I love you
Me: It back