HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
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[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I think this should do it.