Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I would move hell over six inches for you
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.