“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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me: why’d y’all put that man on the moon
nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please
me: why’d y’all put him up there
nasa employee: he asked too many questions
me: how many
nasa employee: four.
me: is that a lot
How can you go broke making Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?
WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever
Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
6. Gas card
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.