@2tickytacky

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

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@illuminatedwndr

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

@Dustinkcouch

me: why’d y’all put that man on the moon

nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please

me: why’d y’all put him up there

nasa employee: he asked too many questions

me: how many

nasa employee: four.

me: is that a lot

@sharky54301

How can you go broke making Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana?

@KyleMcDowell86

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

@lyric_intent

[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?

@Home_Halfway

WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever

@Jesstrat

Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card

@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@T_Bonezzz_

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

@Darlainky

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.