Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
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That’s it.I’m out.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Battery falling down a hole
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete