People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down