@mrtimlong

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

You Might Also Like

@mc_funbags

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

@FatherWithTwins

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

@Mom_Overboard

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

@FattMernandez

Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.

@loneblockbuster

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

@truegritrumble

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

@jamisondg1

I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards

@MNateShyamalan

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

@donni

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down