Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey