@mrtimlong

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

@TheRolo

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

@DarkerWillow

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

@eliyudin

I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad

@The_Grant_Boldt

God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]

@NoticablyBacon

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

@Shade510

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

@ibid78

Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You’re now the restaurant.

@Bob_Janke

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

@hippieswordfish

‘911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE’

uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don’t you hang up, lose the ‘tude and lets try that again, pal