Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face


[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.


So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma


I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad


God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]


Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer


Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.


Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You’re now the restaurant.


Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.



uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don’t you hang up, lose the ‘tude and lets try that again, pal