LA today:
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Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]