@ShittyComedian

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

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@isabelzawtun

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

@UncleDuke1969

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

@TheMichaelRock

It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

@Cpin42

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

@SamuelHLowe

Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

@zachreinert03

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

@shariv67

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

@mrjohndarby

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

@newportdaddy

Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:

*shaking hands*
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.