I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I like to avoid confusion by making it weird from the beginning.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.