Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

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I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too



5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one


It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.


To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.


Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.


My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover


To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.


[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this


Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:

*shaking hands*
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.