Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
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Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.