Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
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sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
*gently runs finger down your cheek
*checks finger for dust
Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it
Priest: That’s not a sin
Me: I don’t understand this religion…
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.