@mlkef

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

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@Mirimade

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

@AkilahObviously

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

@bingowings14

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

@ThaJawn

(Confessional)

Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it

Priest: That’s not a sin

Me: I don’t understand this religion…

@Donna_McCoy

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

@TheAlexNevil

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

@OhSweetCharity

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.