Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
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ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.