🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶
Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
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Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
just dropped a creme egg into my coffee and it’s officially replaced having kids as the best accident ever
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party