@junejuly12

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

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@urmumsausername

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

@freypalm

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

@okimstillhungry

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

@TheSwanDon

Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.

@CethanLeahy

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

@VisionBored1

just dropped a creme egg into my coffee and it’s officially replaced having kids as the best accident ever

@JediGigi

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

@nachosarah

my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party