Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
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I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.