Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
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[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.