Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
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The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.