@VibesBummer

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

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@HorryPuttor

The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds

@UncleDuke1969

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

@meatgrindr

Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me

@stephenjmolloy

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

@QwertyJones3

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

@DropsNoPanties

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

@1par8head

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

@anxiet_tea

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.