woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.
‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
May the Force be Mass times Acceleration.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.
He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Relationship Status: Even my alarm clock stops responding to me after I bang it