Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.