@callmeEvian

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

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@_laurabee_

woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.

‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’

@QwertyJones3

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

@Tmoney68

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

@BobbiStonewall

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

@Maxine12339

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

@SteveKoehler22

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

@Prof_Hinkley

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

@RodneyH42

Relationship Status: Even my alarm clock stops responding to me after I bang it