Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

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woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.

‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’


My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.


I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.


Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?


Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.


Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal


Relationship Status: Even my alarm clock stops responding to me after I bang it