Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
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If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*