Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
You Might Also Like
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.