Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
And then there were 4
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil