Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost