Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

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Judge: on what grounds?
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.


The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.


Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.


Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*


What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.


just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye


Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants


Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag


Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult


Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder