Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
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The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Wife: When pigs fly!
Do I wish for flying pigs?
Con: High bacon prices
*starts building catapult
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder