Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
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* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Got him!
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Body by cheese-puffs.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..