@heatherlou_

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

You Might Also Like

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@AnniemuMary

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being.
GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

@LizHackett

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

@mofrorock

“Of course you’re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder” – alcohol

@WheelTod

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

@coolauntV

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”