@heatherlou_

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

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@JasonLastname

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

@momjeansplease

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

@hazelmotes1

Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

@HeMightBeJason

Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.

I’m a goddamn genius.

@ericsshadow

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

@bacon_gillepic

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

@david8hughes

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.