Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
The Book. The Movie.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..