Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
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Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
oh you wanna fight?!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.