@bridger_w

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

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@AlmightyBored

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

@BradNewsBears

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

@lisaxy424

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

@TheMichaelRock

I’m sorry my dollar isn’t straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.

@Wordesse

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?