Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.


[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back


Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..


Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.


Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.


I’m sorry my dollar isn’t straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.


*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?