Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
You Might Also Like
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.