nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.