Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
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“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.