You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer