#merica
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
But I really needed water water water
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.