Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?