Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
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Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude