FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
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ME: Babe, it’s Christmas *gets on one knee*
ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*
ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
She: OMG I’m so wet.
Me: *hands her roll of paper towels*