@Crunch11b

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

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@Hadzilla

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

@Home_Halfway

ME: Babe, it’s Christmas *gets on one knee*

GIRLFRIEND: Omg

ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*

GF: Uh

ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me

@TheCatWhisprer

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

@jlock17

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

@malt_skull

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

@thatdutchperson

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

@pilau

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

@FunkyFresh_79

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!