My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”