First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
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Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.