@TheDailySchmuck

Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”

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@hellohappy_time

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

@ClichedOut

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

@turtledumplin

Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say…

“I made coffee”

@KentWGraham

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

@Ms_Ka_Renee

Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?

Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.

Dr: …

Me: …

Dr: You were born in 1982.

Me: Maybe it Was 1982.

@Cheeseboy22

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.