me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist
lady: we have cole slaw
Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”
You Might Also Like
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say…
“I made coffee”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?
Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.
Dr: You were born in 1982.
Me: Maybe it Was 1982.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.