Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Hard not to take this personally
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8