Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
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Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.