Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS