My License to Kill was revoked due to abuse of power.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
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Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.
Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?
*gets leg dropped*
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.