@MBittersweet25

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

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@FatBottomGirl1

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

@online_shawn

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

@KalvinMacleod

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

@UnFitz

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

@cbdoubleu

Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.

Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?

*gets leg dropped*

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@Reverend_Scott

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

@OMGSoOverIt

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.