@shegotagronk

Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.

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@ArfMeasures

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

@iwearaonesie

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

@rickkondell

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

@JoshuaHvr

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

@ClaytonSykes

That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.

@MissHavisham

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

@Jake_Vig

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”