[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Me: no his hearing is fine
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.