Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.

Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.

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Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it


*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?


[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it


My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries


It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.


I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”


JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.


Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.


MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work


Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.