I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.